


Having two lives is really disorientating sometimes.

by mayonesa



Category: Achievement Hunter, Gavin Free - Fandom, Rooster Teeth
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 07:10:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayonesa/pseuds/mayonesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've been upset lately. I've been confused. I've taking it out on the people I love, and I need to fix that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Having two lives is really disorientating sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> My first first person fanfic. I hope you guys like it! Apologies for any typos and mistakes. uwu

I've been living in my own apartment for about three months now. I miss the Ramsay family more than I can put into words, but they deserved to have their family to themselves. It doesn't matter, I've needed time on my own anyhow. I ususally don't like being on my own because I tend to think to much. But I'm 26 now. Shouldn't I be grown up and thinking for myself now? 

Dan is coming home from Afghan in two days, so I've booked a plane ticket to go back to the UK to shoot some more videos with him. 

Geoff drops me off at the airport. I thank him and give him a quick hug like I always do. I think he noticed that I've been acting funny because when I went to pull away, he held on to my arm and looked into my hazel eyes with his sleepy blue ones longer than usual. I wonder what he saw. I never see anything when I look at my reflection. 

Airports have always fascinated me. All of these people bustling around, as if it's so important to get to where they're going. Do they really think it matters? To see a lover who might be cheating on them? To attend a business meeting for a company who plans on laying them off this winter? To travel across seas to see something that will only erode and vanish in time to come? It doesn't matter, not in the end. 

For a mintue I want to stand up and scream this revelation to them. My fist clenches and I feel adrenaline pumping through me but I calm myself down and pretend there's nothing wrong. 

+++++++++++++++++

Dan and I are in my garden getting ready for a shoot. I'm fumbling with the Phantom, trying to get the focus just right on the water balloons that Dan plans on shooting an arrow through. I can't seem to get it focused just right and I realise my hands are shaking. Dan walks over, and he's talking about something that happened to him when he was in Afghan. I feel bad because I'm paying attention. He won't be home for long, so I should spend as much time with him as I can. 

He crouches next to me by the camera. "Gav?" He asks me. When I don't relpy, he grabs my wrist from the camera and watches my hand shake. "Gav, what's the matter?" He asks me again. 

I can't look at him. It hurts too much. "I'm alright Dan, I promise." He lets go of my wrist. "I just...haven't had anything to eat yet today. I'll get this focused in a sec." I force a smile and glance 6 inches right of his head. He goes in and fixes me a sandwich, which I take one bite of.

"Okay, we're good to go. Get in position?" 

++++++++++++++++

I can't bring myself to say goodbye to Dan before he leaves to Afghan again. I know the problem I have is not with Dan, but he is the only one who knows me well enough to know when there's something wrong with me. And there is. Without telling him, I get a plane back to the US the day before he leaves. I know he'll come to my house to say goodbye, so I leave a note on the kitchen table explaining what was wrong. I ask him to lock the door before he leaves. 

+++++++++++++++

When I get back to Austin, everyone takes me out for drinks. I can't say no to them like I want to, so I agree. I plan to get drunk as fast as I can so I don't have to deal with them seeing me upset. I get wasted quickly, and so does everyone else but Ray. Ray is the one who beings me back to my apartment. I'm starting to come down from my bubbly-drunk-mode and more into the emotional-drunk-mode as I sit across from Ray with a glass of water and two asprins in my system.

"So how was the UK? I heard the weather was fairly nice while you were there," Ray tries to make small talk as I'm calming down.

I just stare at my hands. 

Ray shifts in his chair. "How's Dan?"

"He's doing well," I finally speak.

Ray looks at me for a long time. I'm starting to feel guilty about being this way when he asks me, "How are you?"

I can't hold it in any longer. I break down in front of Ray. I crumble like a sand castle under water. "Terrible," I say, tears stinging my eyes.

Ray doesn't look alarmed like I was expecting. He looks...understanding. "Tell me what's been bothering you."

"I'm not myself here, Ray. I came to America trying to start a new life because I hated my old one so much, but I made this...this...New Gavin all wrong. I'm not as happy as I act like I am around the guys. I'm not bubbly. I'm not really stupid. It's all a mask I put on because it made everyone laugh. But now people think this is who I really am. I mean, yes, I like to have fun and joke around, but everyone thinks I'm like that all the time. And I'm not. And it's been tearing me apart all these years. And I don't know what to do."

Ray looks a little worried. It's silent for a while, and I can tell he's trying to come up with something helpful. "Listen man, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know I'm gonna respect you no matter what you're like. I honestly don't know what to tell you, or if you even want my advice if I had any."

I wipe the tears from my face and I feel like a fool. "I just... I think I just needed someone to listen to me. Thank you, Ray."

He smiles. "No problem, man. Is there anything else?"

I debate telling him for a minute. Then I think, if there's anyone I'm going to be able to trust in America beside the Ramsays (who I haven't told yet), it's going to be Ray. "Yeah, yeah there is. I've got an offer to work for a film industry in Scotland. I'll work there every day doing commercials and movies and the such. I'd have to quit Achievement Hunter. I wouldn't get much time off to come back here, either. I don't know what to do."

There is silence for a while, and I can tell Ray is sad at the news. However, he takes a breath and says, "I just don't want to see you this upset, Gav. You're my friend. And I know I can act like I don't give two fucks about any one, but I do. And I think you should do whatever you need to do." 

I smile at him, and the smile feels real. "Thanks, man."

He stands and starts for the door. "Any time, Gav. I'm gonna head home though. It's almost 4 and we have work tomorrow. Catch ya later."

"Oh wait--Ray?" I ask, hurrying for the door. 

"Yeah?" He pokes his head back in.

"Can we...keep this between us?"

"Sure thing, bud." He smiles at me and shuts the door.

I take a sleep aide even though I won't need it and go to bed.

+++++++++++++++

I ended up going to work the next day, even though I didn't really want to. I don't even bother trying to be my normal happy self. I can't force it any more. The guys ask me why I'm moody and I blame it on a hangover. They give me doubtful looks because hangovers don't usually make me upset, just lazy. 

Ray is the only one who doesn't ask me any more about my moodiness.

Michael asks me if I want to go out lunch with him and Lindsay like I usually do. I say no thank you and return to my editing. He doesn't leave though; he just stands there and watches me. I get annoyed at it easily. I spin in my chair so I'm facing him, and snarl, "What, Michael? Is it that bad that I don't want to go to luch with you? Is it that wrong that I can't just stay here and work?"

His eyes narrow. "What the hell is wrong with you?" And he walks out of the office, slamming the door and knocking off a few Xbox games from the Tower of Pimps shelf.

I sigh and put my head in my hands. After a minute, I decide to just stop. I shut down my computer and leave the office. 

++++++++++++++

When I get home, the first thing I do is open a bottle of whiskey. I change into comfortable clothes and wash my face. As I sit down on the couch to watch rereuns of Doctor Who, my phone lights up constantly. Messages from everyone in Rooster Teeth are pouring into my phone. I almost feel a pang of guilt for leaving, but it's quickly covered by the exhausted feeling that has been pulsing through my body for the past year and a half.

It's roughly four and the bottle of whiskey half there when there is a knock at the door. My body starts but I decide against moving. The lights are off and I don't have a car, so hopefully whoever it is will think I'm not here.

"Gavin? It's Geoff? Will you please open the door or respond to someone's messages? We're all worried."

I feel physical pain in my chest in that last sentence. Geoff was the one who took me in, the one who let me live with him, the one who let me invade his life. He became like a father to me in those years, and he doesn't deserve to be treated the way I'm treating him.

Still, I do not move. After about 5 minutes, I hear him walk away, lightly tapping my window as he walks past.

+++++++++++++

It's around ten now and the whiskey bottle is now empty. The messages to my phone have pretty much stopped.

I'm halfway through the episode of Doctor Who with the weeping angels when there is another knock at my door. There is no voice, and I don't answer. They knock again. Still I ignore it. Then there's a scratching sound on my door and I hear the door knob creak as it opens. I flinch as light from the street lamps fills my living room. "Who the--?" I ask.

"Hey, I brought you stuff," Ray says, closing the door and kicking off his shoes as if he lived here.

"You--you what?" I ask. My voice is raspy and broken from not talking and the liquor. Maybe I was crying, too.

"Food. I brought food. Hope you like Chinese," Ray drops a plastic bag filled with take-out boxes next to me on the couch and takes a seat on the recliner with his bag. "Ooh, I love this episode," he says, opening a box of sweet and sour chicken.

Stunned, I just sit there looking at Ray with a dumbfounded expression. "How did you get in the apartment?" I ask him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a metal bobby pin. "C'mon, man. i'm from New York."

And that's it. I pick up the food and  begin eating. We watch another 3 or 4 episodes of Doctor Who before I fell asleep on the couch.

++++++++++++

The next morning, I wake up in my bed. It takes a few minutes for me to realise it, but Ray must have carried me to bed. A wave of confusion and embarassment rushes over me. Why would he do that? Why is he such a nice person?

I shake my head and go to the kitchen to make coffee only to find there is some already made, along with toast and eggs that are still a little warm. Ray must have stayed overnight as well.

+++++++++++

I didn't go to work that day. Or the day after. Then it's the weekend. I don't leave my house at all during these days. I just sit in front of the TV and drink. Jack stops by once, but I don't answer. Caleb comes over twice, and yet again I don't answer. Ray picks my lock again and brings me Olive Garden because apparently everyone went out to dinner the night before. He doesn't say anything but "Hey," and "Catch ya later," while he's there. He just sets the food on the coffee table and goes. Just like that. The worst part is I wouldn't even look at him.

++++++++++

The next day, Monday, I get to work early and just sit at my desk, waiting for Geoff to arrive. People pass by me, but very few say anything. Barbara asks me what I thought of RWBY and I mumble that I hadn't watched it yet. She frowns, disappointed, but she says, "I hope you get to feeling better, Gav." And I know she's being sincere.

The second Geoff walks into the office, I pull him back out and take him to the warehouse in the back, which is still empty this early.

"What's up?" He asks, "Where were you Thursday and Friday? I went to your apartment."

"Listen, Geoff, I'm having some personal problems. Can I...no, I just need to talk to you, okay?"

He looks terrified for a minute, but nods.

I tell him the same thing I told Ray about not being myself in America and having to switch this happy face on everytime I land in Austin. I tell him I'm not myself here. "I was offered a job in Scotland. It's a film industry and they want me to work for them. I'll be my own boss there, basically. They want to give me control over a whole district of the company. This is huge, Geoff."

He nods again and rubs his beard, taking it in. "Right, right...okay." When he looks up at me I can't help but notice how his eyes look especially sad and sleepy today. "Do you want to take up that offer?"

I look at the floor of that warehouse, at the shoes me and Michael have matching pairs of, and I say, "Yes."

Geoff pulls me into a hug and whispers, "You're always welcome in the Ramsay house. Each and every vacation this damn company gives you, I want you here. And I want you to be yourself."

When the embrace is released, there's a lump of nothing in my throat and a stinging feeling in my eyes. I look at him one last time and all I can say is, "Thank you," before sprinting to the office and then to my apartment. 

I book an express flight for Edinburgh that night so I don't have time to rethink my decision. I cut it close but my cab arrives just on time, and before I know it, I'll never be a Rooster Teeth employee again. I'll never do Let's Plays. I'll never be on another Podcast. I feel crushed as I realise how many people I just abandoned, how many friendships I ruined. I can't let the exhausted feeling come over me, because the feeling of guilt is too powerful this time.

++++++++++++++++

I can't sleep on the plane ride. I wrote letters to every single member of the Rooster Teeth/ Achievement Hunter member I knew. In each letter, I explained my situation, I apologised with all of my heart, and I wrote a little story of my favorite memory with them. Geoff's was the longest.

++++++++++++++++

I already had an apartment rented in Edinburgh. I knew I would be coming here as soon as I got the offer, so I made arrangements. The morning of the first day at my new job, I wear a suit and bowtie, the same bowtie I wore at Michael and Lindsay's wedding when I was best man. I look at myself in the mirror and I get in my car and go to work. 

I drive up to a very tall building in the heart of the city and park. When I walk into the big glass sliding doors, I am greeted by a smiling face and a voice I've only heard over the phone. "Good day, Mr. Free. It's an honor to have you walk through these doors."

/fin./


End file.
